Grief is a peculiar emotion. It’s not like any other emotion. When it first touches you, it sits on your chest and makes breathing impossible. It sits in your stomach and makes eating painful. It sits in your mind and makes clear thoughts a thing of the past. It sits on your shoulders and makes you feel heavy. It sits on your soul and makes living hell.
Grief comes to you at any moment and it comes in massive tidal waves. No. Worse than tidal waves. It comes in tsunamis. One moment you can be smiling and happy at your children's laughter, then without warning, the grief tsunami hits hard and knocks you from your feet. It takes the air out of your lungs and you can’t keep your head above the grief. It takes over and all you can do is ride the tsunami and hope you come out the other side, alive and strong enough to take on the next tsunami, not knowing when it will be, but knowing it isn’t far away.
Wise ones say that grief comes with lessons. And I know they do. But when grief is on top of you, rolling you into a ball of despair and making the world impossible to see through your tears, you don’t care about lessons. You just want the grief to leave. You want it to retreat so that you can stop and survey the damage the grief has done. You don’t want to search for lessons. You just want to start rebuilding your soul so that it can endure the next tsunami. But you can’t take grief away. It must sit with you until you learn to breath through it. And it is in this place, in the grief tsunami, that those lessons will start to show.
Once a tsunami has receded, land starts to take new shape. Once we are standing on our feet again, we must be wise. We must look at what the grief has left behind and we must learn from it.
If you are in the grief tsunami, your lesson is to be thankful. I know that sounds like horse-shit. What is there to be thankful for when grief is sitting on you? But grief only touches those who have loved. If you haven’t loved, you have nothing to grieve. Grief is your proof that you loved and that love existed. Grief is the evidence that you had the most amazing love. Love is the strongest energy of all. And energy can’t be destroyed or lost, it’s merely shifted into different forms.
Your grief won't leave you. Not today. Not ever. But love won't ever leave you either. And soon, you will find love in the most amazing places.
So for today, keep your head above the grief tsunami if you can. For tomorrow, there is love.
Love you all, Dee