This morning after I dropped the twins off to their last day of kindy, for the first time in all of my school drop offs, I got in the car and cried. Really cried. Ugly cried. I sobbed and sobbed the whole drive home. At first I didn’t know why, I’d never been the “crying at school drop off type” but then it hit me. 2020 has been a year of incredible loss and with my children growing up before my eyes, I find myself wanting to hold onto them and keep them tiny forever.
Suddenly the thought of them growing up is making it hard to breathe. I have started to reevaluate my entire world. I no longer have the desire to have a career or be away from them. I want to earn an income while they are at school, so I don’t have to miss a single moment of their childhood.
Losing my boss early this year made me so aware of my own mortality and it was quite confronting. However losing Libby 4 weeks ago, made me incredibly aware of the possibility of my children's mortality. It’s overwhelming and consuming. It's scary, terrifying and is literally an attack on everything that I have believed up to date.
When Libby was killed, I rushed to be by my God Mother’s side. I barely left her side for the week that I was with her. But the sound of a mother crying for her daughter is almost unbearable for those around her. The first time I heard the morning reality that the day before wasn’t a terrible dream, I was startled by what I heard. I didn’t know what it was and living on a farm, my first thought was that it was an injured animal. But then I realised it was the gut wrenching sound of a mother crying for her lost child. I’ll never forget that sound. It will haunt me til the end of my days. That sound has altered me forever.
By the end of the week, although my heart wanted to stay next to my God Mothers side while she grieved, it was my soul that pulled me home to my own babies. I’d been away from them before, but never had I wanted to be reunited with them in such a desperate way. I missed my babies so much and since that morning of hearing the cries, my Motherhood is forever changed.
For years I had been drinking heavily and willing the days away. Overwhelmed by the responsibility of raising 3 small children. Now, I want it all to slow down. I want to keep my babies safe under my wings where I can protect them from harm. I want to give them the world and I now dedicate my entire life to giving them experiences of happiness and joy.
Melinda Coleman committed suicide yesterday, just 3 months afte her daughter Daisy took her life. Lisa Curry spoke just 2 days ago about her overwhelming ongoing grief of losing her daughter, Jaimi, 3 months ago also. Reading stories of a mother's grief is upsetting, but witnessing it firsthand is life changing.
No mother should ever have to bury her child. Libby’s life was taken from her. But I don’t want her story to be wasted. It has to be shared so that every person I now come across, will hopefully understand the delicate balance of how beautiful and cruel life can be.
I so so desperately hope that my beautiful God Mother can find her purpose again so she can find the strength to carry on. But in the meantime, we just hold space around her, trying to make her life a little easier each day so that she can feel the air in her lungs and the beating of her heart in her chest. That’s all she can do right now. One foot in front of the other. And until she finds her voice again, I will speak her words to you. Don’t waste life. Love it. Death is not an option for you or those around you. Stay strong. Find your purpose. Live it. And don’t wish your days away, for you never know when today will be your last.
Love you all, Dee